Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A:  Bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

 

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A. His lips are moving.

 

Q. How does an attorney sleep?

A. First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

 

Q. How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?

A. Say “Fees!”

 

Q. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A. “Your honor.”

 

Q. Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?

A. Because deep down, they are really good guys.

 

Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy.

 

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A. Shortage of sand.

 

Q. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A. Take your foot off his head.

 

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetary.

 

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A. Boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

 

Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?  They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

 

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.

 

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

 

There are two kinds of lawyers — those who know the law and those who know the judge.

 

 

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